im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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