It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
