The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
