I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
