like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
try to milk me bitch
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