It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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