why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
