i came on her dog
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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