Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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