theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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