I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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