Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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