do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
