i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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