I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
