I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize