I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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