You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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