Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
