Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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