u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
