I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
