Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
