Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
