Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
