I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
a search helicopter?!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we should paint friendship bongs
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