I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
