Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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