Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
