Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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