i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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