i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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