I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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