dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
