do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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