you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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