i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
