Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
