Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
