I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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