Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
