I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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