mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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