shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize