so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
