So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
