So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
