She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
