my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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