I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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