i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
