I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
