it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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