so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You pole danced in your parka.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
