Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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