I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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