Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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