his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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