She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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