Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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