The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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