Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
