if i can run in heels then i can drive
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
