If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
