I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
