I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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