You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize