i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
