Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
