and my herpes radar will keep us safe
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
