i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
