Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
