ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
